david's journal


october 23rd 2022


damn time went huh. i need to put my old journal from when i was weird (suicidal) here but this layout is back for now. don't get too used to it i still don't like this one. anyway i was randomly in a mood to write a journal really hard and came to the conclusion that i'd use my web journal more if i didn't have to format after the fact... although i don't have to with my dream journal and i never use that. but then again, i never was too good at dream journals in any sense.
let's catch up: i saw of montreal ~2 weeks ago and it completely changed my life. it was so so so wonderful. best concert i've ever been to best spiritual experience i've ever had. this was so good i started doing yoga and shit. i also stopped using my main tumblr account and made a new separate one so i don't have to feel bad about unfollowing people and get a real fresh start over there. now i only post art and stuff.
as for the realm of just today, i'm super menstrual mode rn so my whole body hurts. i just moved the contents of 2 boxes of overstock that were sitting on my floor into my new wire rack that i'm loving so more floorspace for me (david) and i'm yet to do my night time yogas/teeth brush. anyway, maybe i'll see you later

august 27th 2022


tomorrow is my birthday. a mosquito has gotten loose in my room and its day so it wont fall for my mosquito killer lamp :/ so im slathering myself in cortizone.
tomorrow i was supposed to have spencer over and sit on my bed while we watched my vhs tapes and dvds. he got covid from a trip his mom planned without his knowledge and feels like he's dying so that can't happen. maybe some day? i hope? i'm trying to get a job (at alamo drafthouse where i would get free tickets and food) as well as school starting up again. i wish i could move here fully... on tumblr 2 of my mutuals are posting about genre (different sides of the same conflcit) and whenever i see it i feel like i'm dying. i'm about to turn 19. i don't want to see that shit. i wish i could update my journal with telepathy. i'm on the phone with susan at the moment. i would like to watch speed racer or living in oblivion. actually i should just leave this unfortmatted. from now on. to make things easier on me... just a tad.

august 10th 2022


tomorrow i'm going to my grandparents in the middle of nowhere. i just finished priming my room to be repainted because i deserve better colors. i still need to move shit out of my room because my dad is going to be doing the actual repainting while i'm gone. tomorrow marks month 8 of t which is insane. i honestly dont have shit to say but i know that while i'm there i'll probably work on the site more since i don't want to hang out with my family that much. maybe do a shrine of some sort? i've been meaning to do a sparks shrine but in all honesty i'll most likely catch up with my gallery, fix my broken list page, and add on to my nowhere shrine.

july 27th 2022


it's been a very long time and i am and aware of that and i do feel bad. i've been komari-ing my room (i actually finished, but i know for a fact i was lying to myself a little so i'm re-joy checking my clothes soon). i really like it. i like running errands and cleaning up and being able to see my floor. i'm gonna repaint my room soon as well as replace most of my furniture. however i've breathing in a fuck ton of dust which i hate. i really need an air purifier. my head hurts really bad right now even though i'm trying to drink more water. i miss when i was working on this website a ton this time last year. i also got fucked over in relation to my tv and vcr but i don't feel like talking about that. this is a short bloggy because i don't feel like a long one. ok? thanks. i don't think mika reads my blog anymore

july 10th 2022


tomorrow i will have been on testosterone for exactly 7 months. why the fuck am i on my period. it gets shorter, but that means the ~2 days i experience it become more violent on my body and the pms lasts way longer. i don't feel like doing anything but i want to be doing something at all. i want to be writing that autobiographical script or fleshing out the details for it or my other thing or that other thing or print out pretty pictures for me and alicia's collage party (sidenote: she is the same person who has the pomeranian and that me and eric and spencer went to see). my special interest in nowhere and desire to be dark smith is catching up with me once again. i'm gonna try and watch it again with some friends from the sparks discord later. i know my dad wants to hang out today and i honestly do too but it would be supremely disappointing for him on account of my lower back is an icepack but the gel is blood and the orbeez are bones and someone's hitting it with a hammer and it's running down my legs. i also would really like some cool printed jeans that fit my lanky obese body, speaking of legs, but they don't seem to exist. i have a lot to say and no real way to organize it. also it's been like a year since i started this site specifically now (i think it was late late june) but i can't see for sure bc neocities is shitting itself rn. i melted a cd last night via holding it with tongs over my stove. i mightve gotten fume poisining from it who knows. but it did look cool. i used it in a collage that is having a poor time existing right now. ok i well i guess i will spend the rest of the day laying on my side and asking for stuff for my birthday. i want to start a magazine. i want a pen pal. i cant do either so i will probably make a nowhere themed collage later. bye mika

june 27th 2022


a lot of stuff has happened. my mom & stepdad are still on vacation, they're coming back next saturday. eric came over and stayed 3 nights. i showed him sparks videos, then mika and our friend xochi from ancient lemon demon server times came over with his bf. they're both really cool irl. then we shot some stuff for 7g at my (great) aunt's house, and spencer came over. this led to both spencer and eric meeting my cousin and aunt-aunt, who were sort of strapped on ways to connect with our weird transgender asses. my great aunt really liked spencer and eric though. that night, we went to a sort of party...? gathering? idk how to describe it, but it was nice. it was my friend i know from COFFEE's apartment, and a bunch of us together, although me and spencer and eric were kinda awkward and the only people getting kicks from our presence were another coffee-goer + my friend. her dog was insanely cute though. pomeranians. you know how they have that little like, permenantly bewildered face in the midst of all their fluff? yeah. also she had a cat but every time the cat showed up we had to focus on making spencer didn't die. he kept his mask on the whole time. + eric was always like "wisteria is probably so SAD and ALONE and SHAKING right now." so although we didn't stay too long we stayed more than eric wanted to. i also showed my cds off and found out all my jewel cases are insanely cracked so i'll probably get new ones soon enough. ok i'm gonna piss and then i'll get to part 2: post eric.
yeah so i have pink eye rn. i don't feel too strongly about it cause it's like, whatever. i'm probably gonna get my period again soon which i'm afraid of cause i still don't know what caused me to get so so sick last time right before it... i really hope my body just comes to terms with my testosterone levels and gives up trying to have a fleshless lifeless brainless boneless baby. NOT GONNA HAPPEN SHITHEAD!!!!!! trying to remember if fleshless is a word or not. either way, it's totally some goregrindnoisefuckcore whatever project name. my net md player came, i did order one for a little too much. i also ordered a lot of mds which should be here tomorrow. now that eric is gone i have more time to think about 7g, my projects with my characters from when i was 13, and living in a trailer with another trans guy just as stupid as me and fucking and getting high all day. oh yeah i forgot to talk about how all human rights are dissolving!!!!! I LOVE COUNTRY!!!!!! I LOVE YOE BIDEN!!!!!!!!! it's so so so increasingly clear how powerless he is. you know how democrats were right about him? on his campaign he was barely promising shit, and dems were like, "well he won't get to all of them but at least he's not trump!" he never kept his few promises. literally only thing he has going for him is not being trump. and that's not going him, because he's kicking back and getting his ass kneaded by the fact his vice president is a blasian lady while everyone's getting their rights striped from them, and he's always like "Who's the president. I'd like to speak to him." JOE IT'S YOU!!!!! remember when he vowed to protect trans kids or whatever? this has been one of the worst years for our community in politics by far. i'll never forget when my mom showed that to me, said isn't that nice? it would be fucking nice julie, if only he wasn't a spineless piece of shit. he hasn't done anything. fuck that guy. i don't even know how to end this off. hi mika

june 19th 2022


i don't have much shit to say which is why i haven't made a journal entry for like a month, but i do have shit to say and i haven't felt like saying it. rn i have a special interest in minidiscs???? so whatever. before that it was very briefly five starcle men. i think i'm gonna have a huge outkast moment in a second. i want to make andre 3000 my girlfriend. i'm broke rn. i uh... hold on. i got 20 dollars. ok. of montreal tix: 40 dollars. cool looking cd player on auction: 20 dollars but it’s not over for another day. minidisc player/recorder: 50 dollars on auction but im the only watcher. when do i get paid for cat services: i don’t know. could i borrow money from my mom: probably but i don’t want to. spencer offered me 20 for the tickets but it makes me feel weird cause he wouldnt be going (1 ticket is 40 dollars). and i still have a movie to make. i don't know... i hate money. and my parents are gone for 2 weeks. ok out of juice bye hi mika

may 30th 2022


i am writing this entry cause i feel like shit and i wish i was eating like a cardamon bun or a cinnamon roll right now. i actually don't wish i was, i don't feel like having lunch today. nothing inspires lunch in me. today's been a weird day. around 12 i started feeling like shit for no reason, maybe because i didn't feel like working on 7g, which is a failure in my mind. i didn't do anything that's productive in reality, but i listened to the sunlandic twins and cleaned up my desktop slightly. the thing is, i would've gone out, but i'm hungry and i don't want to eat, i don't want to get lunch, i don't want to have eaten lunch. this may sound like a weird eating disorder thing but it's not, it's just that my hunger endurance is so low now i'm trying to make it better. hence no lunch, but i'll have fun dinner and milkshake with my dad later. i was on the phone with april and susan for like 2 seconds and then susan left forever. oh right. i would've gone out but i don't want to eat and if i go out i'll probably get lunch or get lightheaded. we don't want either of those. things can get pretty bad. i wonder who aside from mika and sometimes susan read this blog. that being said i might need to just get high and adapt the buddha nature because i know sadness is natural but i don't enjoy feeling it right now. i used to like being sad, like angst in my person, but now i'm older and know it's never good to adapt to it so i just want to use weed to get rid of it quickly as possible. and it works, like yesterday i was on the bus and noticed how there were some charging slots on the bus, and thought about how my phone was on relatively low battery and how i could've bought my charger and used it since i never use my phone to listen to music anymore now that i have a discman. but then loser came on the mixtape i made myself and i thought about early-mid 90s beck and his dumb face and his dumb scrawny body and smiled really big. some other stuff that happened that day was i listened to mezzanine by massiveattack and realized trip hop isn't my thing. something that happened this morning was i saw a nazi. i was taking down some anti-vax stickers, and this guy's staring at me while i do it, so i assume he has a problem but don't say anything. he has crazy hair, a yellow puffer jacket and a yellow baseball hat. he was smoking a cigarette and kubrick staring at me. then he turned around and there was a swastika drawn in sharpie on the back of his jacket, as well as some spanish (it had nazi in it in between the spanish words) and a like... it was another swastika but it was more like some sort of gadget shaped like a swastika, like there was stuff in it. i didn't really have the buddha nature for this one because it was weird and i am a jew. also, the woman of the simpsons guy dmed me on twitter asking me to draw him the women of the simpsons as ninjas. i said yes and i'll wait until eric comes over so we can get crazy high and do it. i don't have much else to say... i kinda wish memorial day was less of a thing because i want to go to the library and get more cds and maybe some dvds even. i don't think i'm gonna get high because i have 2 hours until i see my dad assuming we meet at 5 and i don't want to be high while he's having serious life issues. that would probably scare him and it's the last thing he needs right now. maybe i'll try to make a comprehensive inspiration playlist for 7g. ok. journal over.

may 26th 2022


this is my journal journal entry. i've started utilizing an irl journal too, but more for notes and artistic stuff and lists. namely to configure my thoughts on the next 7g episode. my journal's a moleskin, the cover is made of a cardboard texture. the front says my name and "APRIL 2021-" (when i first started using it, to write a script by hand entirely (i saw giuseppe andrews do it so i wanted to do it too)) and it has a holographic sticker an artist i like made of a sexy nurse in the bottom right corner and photo i printed out of 9/11 to the top left of the nurse. i don't know why exactly, but when i wanted to put the nurse there i felt like 9/11 had to be there too. the back has a transparent sticker of a tv with cool green lights on it in the top right corner, and under it are 2 small watercolory looking stains, the one on top is green and you can see it through the sticker, the one under it is redish and bigger.
although i want to connect with fellow cd collectors & other people who still use cds as their primary method of listening to music, i do not want to do it via tiktok or reddit, so i'm probably gonna have to create my own community. which would be fine but that would take effort. i'm finishing this entry here cause i had shit to say but burnt all my talking energy out on describing the outside of my journal.

may 16th 2022


i've been really into my portable cd player i got 3(?) days ago lately. i took it out for a walk yesterday with a backpack full of stuff. i listened to some japanese avant prog album i forgot the name of (but got it because it had a cool cover), my bootleg of government plates, and then some of my best of sparks. this morning i used it to revist odelay by beck, and just now i took it out on a walk to listen to delancey st station by pinc louds. i went to see her in 2019 with my dad, which is my finale of pre-covid good memories. she had so many puppets. it was incredible. my dad wanted me to have a present every day of the month for my birthday, and that was the last one. some things were very small. some things were very big. it was a lot of fun. i've been thinking about my dad way more lately. he goes on letterboxd to look at my reviews when he's bored, so i can't talk about how much i'd like to fuck some guys in some of the movies i watch as much. like today, me and susan and april watched robocop and i thought robocop was arnold schwartzenegger and i felt bad cause i thought he was really hot and wanted to see him suck some dick. but albert from twin peaks was there and leland from twin peaks was there which fucked me up a lot. anyway it wasn't arnold schwarzenegger so now i only feel bad because he was an aryan cop.
speaking of my cd player, although it's still very small, i'd like to do a page for my visually appealing tech collection. i'm no froyo tam, but between this cd player, my portable radio tv, and my mac g3 (in my dad's storage unit (imagine i'm doing a broken heart here i can't be fucked how to look up how to use greater less than signs as plain text in html)) i have enough going on that i'd like to show off. ive been replacing dessert with mint iced tea which is very kind. when my dad had a house he would make tea in big mason jars with many teabags and put them in his windowsil for them to steep. by the way, cause i caught a glimpse of my last entry, nowhere on vhs was wonderful. i can't wait to watch it again. maybe on my birthday this year, even though i won't be able to say i'm 18 years old and i'm totally doomed anymore, which makes me feel a lot of things. another thing i'd like to do on my birthday is get high and listen to kimono my house on my portable cd player while wearing rainbow jelly sandals, and hold the cover, telling random people "THIS IS FEMALE/ANDROGYNE FRONTED PROGRESSIVE POP/ROCK FROM 1974!" in reference to my favorite rym review ever. i asked my mom to order me some jelly sandals today, while not rainbow (i'll get those if these work out for me). i didn't realize jeff bridges wore those in the big lebowski, but i guess he did because every result for men's jelly sandals is somehwat related to him. also i finished my new movies page i love it love it love it so much

may 9th 2022


it's the 25th anniversary of nowhere today, so im gonna watch it on vhs once it gets dark out. but right now i'm listening to kimono my house. it won't get dark until 8. i ordered a portable cd player. i actually had more shit to say in my head, but whatever. mika's website is going alright. i'll only link it here when it's done if she lets me. i also have to work on april's site at some point as well but she's not paying me so idc as much. i had a truly wonderful vision for a scene earlier. i'm gonna write it down physically. hold on. ok i did it i need to use my journal more. also maybe get a backpack. i was thinking on my walk i took earlier about how much fun i may have when i have a portable cd player on me during walks and stuff. i'll have a backpack with my cd player, cds, my journal, and hopefully a digital camera. and my phone somewhere in there, cause crime rate. i need headphones too. also i saw a really cool relatively cheap thing i want on ebay that i wanna snatch up. i told susan that if i get it i'd be pompous, cause that's the only way to describe it. my vhs collection is my big ego booster. like i look over there and see nowhere and liquid sky and think about how cool my taste is. sorry it's true though. i hate when white trans guys call themselves cool online usually but i really have to when i think about the items i own and how they define my value and self. i'm gonna try and put together those clips with me and spencer from the last day of high school into a short doc as well after i get my ass kicked by equator. goodbye,

may 3rd 2022


dear diary. what a day.
i wake up and learn SURPRISE!!! NO MORE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS!!! which probably means my rights are gonna go too, soon enough, and hashem knows mayor copper and president corpse won't do shit for me. this is foreshadowing though.
i spent most of the day recovering from watching metropolis with susan because april left to take a nap. she is now awake i can see her arguing with transphobes online. metropolis is ok. lots of very cool lookables in there. but it's so fucking long i just layed on my side and played dumb mobile games while thinking of russell mael's tits. i got a sandwich directly after the movie which barely helped with my hunger, as it wasn't exactly what i wanted. you see, a woman in front of me ordered the most elaborate sandwich i've heard, and her parents, right behind me, were in awe, so i felt the need to get more than "This with lettuce ham mayo and ummmmmmm white cheddar if you have it please", i don't understand cheese i just know i like the lighter ones more than the orange ones. i got brie and honey mustard instead of mayo and cheddar and had a shit time because 1) i have to be in a mood for honey mustard 2) i am coming to release how much the rinds on brie bother me. anyway. the despair set in as i was getting ready to get a milkshake with my dad (my mom stepdad and stepsibling went to a rally so i ordered a sandwich that, simply put, sucked me silly) and i realized everything happening will happen to me. i'm no longer in the safe haven of a blue state because our mayor's a dumbass who births cops wherever he sees a problem. i wanted to rewatch nowhere on the vhs i just got for an embarassing amount but i had to go. on the walk to the diner, i saw a bird leg with some feathers attached. no body. it felt like a sure omen. i talked to my dad about it, and in the face of... whatever.... he just started spewing liberal shit, saying all we can do is vote, but still somehow shitting on democrats in the process? anyway... i just drank my milkshake like that fag from there will be blood and kept my mouth shut until he moved on so i could tell him to listen to kimono my house.
then, when i went home, the most beautiful thing happened, i ran into a hand truck some columbia brat left unattended. so i fuckin took it! it was loud as hell, and in the process, i saw the only trans woman i've seen in my neighborhood ever. and she was wearing a talking heads shirt. now that i think of it, my dad gave me a talking heads dvd/book i could've held up and shown her, but i just tried to tell her i liked her shirt. she couldn't hear me because it was so loud, and also she looked weirded out. so now i'm upstairs, i'm on the smallest edible ever, and i had to do some shit for my aunt (sidenote i got jumpscared today cause i accidentally found her letterboxd profile. she was in a lot of sam raimi's shorts because they're friends.) so i can't completely cast it off, also i want to make a site for mika but that'll probably be delayed for personal reasons. i love you i know you're reading. i'm gonna try to do my movies page now.

april 30th 2022


come on to my house kimono my haus. i love it. my stepdad's sister is staying here. my step aunt, i guess. and then tonight my stepsibling is coming over and we're going to have 2 people here at the same time for 2 nights. 5 people one house. when i was a kid we had 5 dogs for like a day because we had 3 dogs to begin with and then my mom was fostering one and then we got another unexpectedly. nothing really happened yesterday NEVERMIND. i had my last class of the year yesterday ^_^. and more sparks autism. but more importantly let me show you what i did yesterday in the sidebar. yep. i haven't made the photo transparent yet and i will so i'll just talk about it like it's here. this is my video drug 3 fantasy homebrew dvd that i drew on in sharpie after seeing a post of someone's posca labeled homebrew ps1 dics. this was a lot of fun and i'd really like to do it again.
seeing joe biden sit and do fucking nothing about so many states deciding to strip trans people's rights at once is not surprising. i remember at some point in his campaign or after he first got elected my mom proudly showed me a video of him saying whatever lies about how he'll keep trans kids safe, like that was supposed to make me feel something. also, i'm still dysphoric. ok thats enough. my dad and i are gonna get sandwiches and maybe i'll sell some stuff outside so i can buy some kimono my house propoganda vhs tapes portable cd player.

april 26th 2022


i’ve been mad at my appearance lately. i feel like i look like when i was a 10 year old weird girl with undiagnosed autism and not cool art guy like i want to..? i know the exact factors: one is that i'm fat and i have big tits, another is that i have long hair, another is that i wear velcro shoes, i also just shaved and it's not growing in yet, and also that i wear brightly colored clothing, which is assumed to be more feminine instantly. i just look like a weird preteen with mormon parents who won't let her be scene and not like a guy who makes movies and is addicted to sparks.
how to combat this? i do need a haircut but i like it long, i don't know how short i want it, but i spotted a lot of split ends today so i do totally need one. i need to find shoes that don't beat my ass that aren't velcro. i like to think that i'm losing weight but not enough- i don't really know if i want to keep my tits, get top surgery, or get breast reduction. i dont know what new cool clothes i want. i want to look like james duval as dark smith.
uh... today was alright. i was on the subway and this old lady sat down next to me and a woman with her kid. she was smooshed in the middle. then the woman and her kid got up but she stayed right where she was. stuck next to me. so i started googling photos of 9/11, then estrogen dicks, then guys 69ing.
now i'm getting stoned and i'm gonna try to win an ebay bid. in like an hour. i'm thinking about the dream i had about russell mael the other night. he was in a ballgown. he was really beautiful SORRY IF THIS LOOKS GAY TO THE READERS. i wish he crossdressed more, i'll say it. all guys should. √

april 20th 2022


so the u key on my keyboard is missing, so every time you see a u its copied and pasted. in the immortal words of susan, i don't know why i started an entry because i don't have shit to say. today is pretty busy but i don't feel like explaining how. i'll try.
later i'm going to apply to the kim's video near the world trade center. when people say world trade center aloud they usually say it more like "world trait center". self included. me and my dad are gonna browse videos, lalala, just a weird girl with a stubble and velcro shoes, and then when i check out i'm gonna go, by the way, are you hiring? and they'll probably say "no nobody ever comes here so to hire someone would be a waste of money. but if you want you can be one of the dudes who has to sneak around and give people their food when they watch the new a24 movie."
then my school's doing a showcase of everyone's movies- i'm really proud of mine. when i post it to youtube i'll put it as an update on my page so everybody sees it. they want us to dress up cause we're getting a group photo taken. best i can do is make a t shirt, but i'll try to something more. just because i'm on t doesn't mean i can't live and die and serve cunt or whatever.
sparks autism is still insane. they have a lot of albums and are responsible for most music so this might take a while.
yogurt spilled all in my kitchen so i cant go in because i hate the smell of yogurt. i think i'm just going to look at russell mael's tits until my dad's awake (he's going to kim's with me).

april 5th 2022


excuse me for dropping in! these journals are so tiring... no more backgrounds. just solid colors and sometimes a photo like world4jack. my new special interest is sparks. me and my mom went to see them last week today and now i wanna fuck a 73 year old with a sanrio collection. this week is very stressful.
today i have to mail a yes vinyl i got for susan (it was 8 bucks but she says it's more expensive online), and get printer paper. i just did a frankenstein paper for my dumb writing class and i just had it again and now i have to write another, longer frankenstein paper as well as take an old quiz. i'm gonna scream.
tomorrow i have class and nothing happens there. but i hate that i have to go.... blah blah blah fuck.
thursday i have to reshoot the movie i'm making for class. me and dad are gonna take a rental car to purchase and i'm gonna shoot it in erics dorm. greenscreen shots. im still stressed about that movie... people wanna see tits get bigger and smaller. i want them to go to hell, but i do get it. i just. dont want to do it.
friday "nothing happens" except i'm gonna try to see the new daniels movie with my dad on friday.
saturday i signed up to sell at my neighborhood's swap/sell/buy event. i think i'll have enough time to prepare, but i need to dig out some of my old clothes that i'm looking to get rid of for cash. i'm also gonna be selling xxxy merch, as well as this dumb glass bottle that looks pretty but can't hold anything & my love and basketball dvd because that movie worsened me and i'm low on dvd space.
i need new shelves. one of my shelves collapsed. the other just sucks at its job. i also need money. ajax's dads might be getting me a gig again which would be really good for me, because I NEED MONEY. hopefully this summer i can also make some change at the new kim's video, aside from the xxxy merch table thing. i'm getting a new phone today apparently as well. like it was ordered its coming today.
i wish i didn't have to do shit i didn't want to. i wish i didn't have such a shitty sleep schedule. i have to add some cool photos to my gallery page. 2 people unfollowed me on here because they probably think i'm done with neocities. i'm never done with neocities. unless i explicitly state, "i'm done with this website/neocities", i'm not done with neocities. if i don't update for a fuckin month i'm still coming back.

march 12th 2022


every spring since covid i've gotten into a new hobby real big in march. last year it was beading, this year it's zines. i'm working on 3 atm, only 1 is mine. the other 2 are april's. i'm gonna start setting up a stand on weekends in front of a community garden to sell xxxy merch. i wanted to do it today but it was rainy and snowy which hurt me. here is a list of stuff i wanna do tomorrow:

it's mostly about april's zines because my zine is in a point of development where i can't go much further without making a cover. i've been planning to commission the cover from an artist i strongly admire. the thing is, said artist has been venting about how much stress comissions have had them under lately, and i'd like to wait at least 2 weeks before i become part of that. i do not have much non-zine/art enmasse making shit to say except i'm feeling stressed about the recent crime stats in nyc, as well as eric adams' plans to stop it, and eric adams overall, really. but you know what they say: It's like we all know way down in our souls that our generation is going to witness the end of everything. You can see it in our eyes. It's in mine, look. I'm doomed. I'm only 18 years-old and I'm totally doomed.

march 1st 2022


been a while. i went to the dentist today. yesterday i had an appointment at 4 and i was late. today i was late but went anyway. my mom made me take a cab because she underestimates subways. i called a cab, it was hard, i've done it before. in the cold-ish thinking about how i should take the subway, looking down at my phone and- oh, there's several images of beck on his dumb album covers in my music library, i wonder what he would look like.... nevermind. let me try again...

march 2nd 2022


ok. that feels better. last night i got super stoned and listened to i feel safe with you trash (which didn't deserve the flack it got). i don't feel like being super descriptive in this particular entry but i'm glad i tried. i really wish i didn't have to css everything because then i'd update more. whatever. i also wrote last night- a story called gender's studies victims that i started in late 2019 and showed to april and picked up yesterday. me and april and susan listened to lush and watched a cecelia condit short. now i'm inspired again, but it's to listen to birdsong tape music and get a salad and take a short walk with no jacket. i haven't had a salad in forever, but i was thinking last night that i hate my body a lot again and i don't know the last time i had a fruit or vegtable... so. but i don't know how long me and april and susan are gonna twist on the coast.

febuary 18th 2022


i am not gonna lie i have been autistic as hell for nowhere it is all i think about. i have shit to do: lots of it. i have to work on a preproduction thing for class and tell my prof my location as well as homework for my editing class and my dad's friend wants me again. however i know what this movie is gonna be so i'm pretty confident: i've already casted eric and his friend and i just need to work out costuming + props. mostly i've just been thinking about nowhere nonstop. because i've been in music mode more than movie mode recently i've been trying to listen to the albums that make multiple appearances in the araki canon. slowdive is good, it's like music you roll up and smoke. filter is whatever. babyland is nice but dan gatto's vocals can get a little much. i would like to listen to massive attack and thrill kill kult next. i really wanna ask my mom to make pancakes. yesterday's show fucking sucked. the mta should kill themselves for ruining my show. and other reasons. but now i gotta do next week's mix too... fuck my all. i know i haven't updated in a bit but i really have not much to say.

febuary 13th 2022


i'm still autistic as fuck for nowhere and nine inch nails. my cds came yesterday, and i have to do shit today. this shit includes homework and working on this week's mix... not much else. i just had leftover pancakes for breakcore breakfast and now i'm listening to my broken cd. i have a nowhere soundtrack cd coming as well as uhhh... i think some clip on earrings and something else i forgot. let me look. no it's just those ok. the testosterone is really going. like i was already feeling what i knew would happen but now my voice is cracking nonstop. and i'm always thinking about naked dudes. i really wanna draw something for nowhere, maybe all of them shopping for cds together. that would be so cute but i can't even draw people not looking head on so i don't know if i could do that. i've been real bad at drawing lately, i can't even get a head shape right. i think it's cause my sketchbook is huge and my bed is on the floor so it's just all flat. i'll try going into the livingroom later to try it. TRENT is yelling about wanting to be filled up. it is not my problem. he used to be so hot now he looks like a cop. i think some men think that once you reach a certain age it's weird to have long hair. my stepdad starting growing out his hair in quarantine cause my mom likes when dudes have long hair. it's not really my problem but she had to put his hair in a ponytail for him. kinda funny. speaking of what goes on at my house wisteria has been soooo soft and warm for ME! lately. just really enjoying it. i love global warming and seasons as social constructs i wore just a t shirt out with no jacket for 2 days in a row and now it's snowing. ok let me give you a bit of css... idk what colors or patterns i'm feeling. i haven't used blue or green in a while i feel like i could benefit from that.

febuary 8th 2022


today was pretty wonderous although i didn't actually get to talk to my friends. i had my little class, saw my dad and had lunch with him, had another class and at some point finished my nowhere shrine, then i went for a walk. it was a nice long walk and i thought about what it would be like if i made a gregg araki movie. when i got home i ordered dinner which was a spicy chicken sandwich, rewatched nowhere and felt an incredible amount about it. i'm about to go full tilt autist mode. then i had a cinnamon roll. now i'm gonna go to bed even though i don't have to wake up super early tomorrow, because we're just doing confrences so i can go to class when i need to, then go home if i want, or even go shopping... my tds and phm cds still haven't come :( but i kinda wanna splurge... i have money now from the cat job + my dvd shelf has room for roughly 3-5 more dvds. i wish i had a spinning cd tower... ok im so tired my eyes are teary. let me css you my journal and be done with it.

febuary 5th 2022


not a lot happened to me but i had really bad luck which makes today a perfect contender for updating journal.
me and my dad got breakfast and found out that the train i take isn't running to my house and then got locked out of the place i catsit for a little. then because the train is so fucked up we just stayed with the baby all day. i ate a lot. not really, but i haven't had a full meal for lunch ina decade. now i have susan on the phone but she's real tired she's not saying or doing anything. i think i'm gonna get a black shirt that has nothing but the nin logo on it. for transition reasons. ok i had to go to the bathroom but im back. BAND NAME: the piss shivers. i'm a little out of stuff to say except my minds eye (first 3 movies) vhs tapes came yesterday and i have the downward spiral and pretty hate machine coming. i kinda wanna redecorate parts of my room. make all the girly gay parts hardcore. ok i eat dinner now.

febuary 1st 2022


happy black history month/lunar new year!
i'm in class right now listening to people who are tired of reading screenplays read screenplays. literally everyone's written scripts about lesbians. i don't know how this happened. i started playing quake because the nine inch nail autism is through the rough rn. whenever the soundtrack is good it's like i'm like [CENSORED]. i'm having fun though i love it. i'm already on episode 3. not much else is happening, i haven't... oh right. i woke up at 4 am today. i'm running on a large hot chocolate coffee mixture. i'm tired of hearing about these lesbian relationships where they don't fuck or kill anyone they just get sad. i want girls who kill and suck each others dicks. whatever. i'm like the white dan versus.
i know i didn't have shit to say but i feel like i need to update this blog pretty frequently just so it doesn't get too empty over here & i don't want people thinking i'm ever gonna leave my miss neocities.

january 27th 2022


today was overall a very good day even though i cannot find my little fucking scissor right now.
me and spencer went to academy records to pick up some cds. he got a bunch of his stuff. spencer doesn't get cds because he knows the band, he gets them because he likes the cover art, which i do sometimes too but he doesn't get any band he recognizes like ever. i got the broken cd with the little minidisc and a the information cd with the stickers. among lots of other stuff, including a boc cd, a chemical brothers cd, some stuff i didn't know, a vinyl and a dvd. then we went to a bakery to get drinks and i got a really good hot chocolate and he got a comically small coffee. after that we went to goodwill and he got a shirt that was like a piece of looseleaf paper with sketches of family guy characters on it. i got a bootleg big labowski dvd, a david byrne cd among 2 others, and a vhs of young frankenstein. our last real purchase stop was a store where he got followed which sucked. white bald dude shifting positions, that motherfucker wasn't even acting slick with it either cause it was a small store. i got a tie dye shirt there. then we went into a bunch of other stores and looked at stuff and left. we tried to go into a porn place but a dude came to the door and did like a jedi mind wipe thing on us so we couldn't go in. i think he thought we were gonna fuck in there. this next week is going to be really exhausting but i'm glad we hung out. here's some photos:

an assortment of cds, a vhs tape, and a dvd laid flat over a vinyl and a wooden floor. a rainbow tie dye shirt laid on a hot pink duvet david, a white man with long brown hair, is smiling and dressed warmly. he's holding a small cd sleeve with a backwards n printed with a fire pattern on it in one hand and a minidisc printed with the same fire pattern in the other

january 24th 2022


today i'm going to WORK on my nowhere shrine. it needs me. it needs to happen. the testosterone is finally Doin It to me. i've been very grossly autistic + homosexual 4 trent reznor in the closer video for the last few days. i burned the bts for it to a dvd. today is my bubbe's birthday. she is celebrating by going to costco with my great aunt. i love old jewish people. like they have some shit to say always...
i applied to do an edm dj hour at my school's radio. now we wait. it's called acidlaff. it's earlier in the day than it should be. "high octane easy listening", susan calls it. i have a lot of stuff coming in the mail to me. there's also a package theft problem in my building. have i talked about that? i bet i have. here are some things i have coming in the mail that i wouldn't want stolen from me:

i think that i'll eventually pick up some blank vhses. i've been really getting into telling people to put shit on dvds and cds and vhses and cassettes and anything physical lately. i don't have a lot of space for shit. i have so many formats of media and no room to put them. my dad keeps telling me that if i'm gonna keep living in my room at my mom's house, i should figure out how to get more storage. the truth is i need my own apartment so i can burn incense whenever i want and blast music and talk to my friends without worrying about my mom hearing. but the kind of jobs i want wouldn't pay enough for an apartment.
to be honest, i have been thinking of dropping out of school. not a whole lot, but it's expensive and the assignments feel like they're made to antagonize me specifically. something i know i have in common with my dad is we both break the rules, a lot of the times we don't even mean to. we're given an assignment and we do something that goes beyond it in its own creative way, but its still looked at and discounted because it doesn't really fit the assignment. i know this because when i was a kid and i told him about projects i'd get confused about or didn't like, he'd tell me to turn it on its head. even without asking him, i'd do it. i remember i was supposed to do a presentation on an important figure in older pop culture in middle school. i had a special interest in david bowie, so i picked him, and just talked about all his albums individually plus him in the man who fell to earth. i was told, this is straight up not what we wanted. i can't remember how i got graded. i feel bad about something- my middle school science teacher who was really nice to me, let me go to his class during lunch and sit and hang out, we would keep in touch until i fucked up pretty recently. we planned to call each other, then he said he had some serious family problem, and had to cancel. and my retarded ass was like "oh that's actually great for me cause i had to do x!" WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!!!! i need to apologize to him but i don't know how. i still feel horrible. god.
this online honesty approach is getting weird. to be honest, i'm mostly doing it because i'm convinced nobody reads these, except maybe susan- she used to when she updated her blog more, but i think it's kinda novel to her now.

january 20th 2022


a 3d spinning weed leaf

it's something about holding in your piss for no reason. maybe the thing is right about how it moves to your brain and turns your eyes yellow. you find yourself stoned and stranded with no activities listening to good music and reading bad words. i wish i had some intellegent story about being a jewish guy and getting stoned and finding qanon propoganda and being so high you believe it. i don't
i got a stp thing thats supposed to come or have come. the other day i had a good fucking spicy chicken sandwich. i'm so thinking about it. still thinking about it. i decimated it in front of my stepdad. it made me think of 2002, some kid named cody is having some sort of spicy meal in front of his stepdad who thinks he's a little bitch. cody's thin, his skin is close to his muscle and bone. he's wearing a nine inch nails tank top that really shows it. his stepdad overweight and knows different kinds of wood, is wearing sunglasses inside and is doing a crossword. cody sits down. he has a fork and knife in hand, and the sandwich is in front of him. he makes a point of not having a glass of water with him. his stepdad slightly scoffs but pretends to not have been looking. cody crushes it, looking his stepdad in the eye, not breaking any eye contact no matter what. cody grabs a poland spring and walks out his trailer. he throws a coughing fit.
speaking of nin, me and spencer watched the broken movie last night and james duval is not in it. letterboxd says he is but he isn't, not even once. james duval is so hot, he deserves every acting opratunity in the world. me and spencer and susan and april had a birthday party for and with eric today. happy birthday eric. he's 20 now. weird.

january 18th 2022


no more pictures. if i have shit to say i will simply say it with no decoration except for the background.
my stepsibling came and went. the reason why i haven't been updating is because the fight club autism has skyrocketed. i am realizing i should just never watch anything people like. my inner monologue has become a serious of undecorated sentences and i should've have quit therapy last month because i'm feeling some wonderful dread. the truth was i was too cynical for dbt. i couldn't convince myself of anything being said. i agreed with it, i just didn't believe it. i can't tell if i wish i was in therapy now or if i wish i was in dbt again. i have poor hindsight.
the thing is though, in dbt they don't tell you how to not want to kill yourself. they tell you here, here's how to live in the moment, here's how to get what you want. maybe i did it wrong, and this is supposed to inherintly make me less suicidal. all my life i've been doing shit wrong. when i was a little girl i went to an afterschool class and they showed us how to make beaded lizard keychains and i fucked mine up beyond belief. i was not good at being a girl because i am a boy. being a girl was like an occupation. it was my job to be a girl because i was born with girl material, girl clay, and my job was to be a girl so none of that went to waste or had anyone confused. then i had to be a boy, and being a boy is also a little painful. if you want people to like the boy you are you have to wear a short compressive garment called a binder. when you are 13 years old you want a binder because your first course of action as a boy who used to be a girl is to hate your chest. when you get the binder you wear it every day and it hurts you and makes you spit out phlegm all the time. you wear it even when you realize you can do what you want and have chin lenth bouncy conditioner commercial hair and wear the same heels as mettaton did in undertale to school. cis girls who don't know if you're a trans woman or a trans man will hype you up as a joke and take videos of you. trans men don't know what you are either, because they think you're a dirty faker who is fucking up being trans for everybody and refer to you as a woman. their cis girl friends do too now, and will fight you on your gender in instagram comments sections because they think that it is their responsibility as cisgender women to keep the transgender community safe from dirty fakers and liars like you. then a pandemic hits, and you finally phase out of wearing that thing because it hurts and nobody has to see it. and you realize that having breasts are essential to your manhood.

a screenshot of a video file, the thumbnail is spongebob and sandy cheeks and it's titled SORRY SANDY VERY SA...ION.mp4

january 13th 2022


i got winamp yesterday somehow even though i have a mac. my computer's been hissing at me ever since i opened it. fight club won't leave my head. here's what i'm gonna do today.


a pixelated gif of a flickering candle

january 11th 2022


i watched fight club. i wish brad pitt wasn't really a hallucination. that was a little corny. not the biggest fan of it. i liked that he dressed gay though. after that i wrote a poem while listening to placebo, first poem i've written in a very long time. i'm not gonna post it cause it's gay.
i think i have internalized homophobia. this is the second time i've said this in a entry. i think i got over my internalized transphobia and started seeing myself as a man and now i'm afraid of doing certain stuff or saying certain phrases cause they're gay. i was writing that poem and i was like that's gay as hell i don't write poems! like i am literally attracted to men, and i know it, and i know that, but i don't understand where it came from. is it because i'm transitioning? is it because i look like a cisgender man now? i spoiled the mood of this really quick. i wanna cry and throw up nothing. i don't even wanna say i'd kiss another man just cause the word kiss sounds gay to me. fuck fight club this is all his fault.
the poem i wrote was the longest poem i ever wrote. it has candle metaphors and is called "edward norton's voice".

a shiny pink xbox controller with shiny yellow buttons

january 10th 2022

11:53am-12:35pm (forgot)

hi so the tooth pain is something i am gonna need a root canal for (i went to the dentist on saturday) and today i'm getting a wonderful root canal. we just posted a new video on xxxy that i'm a huge fan of from a comedic standpoint. every video with susan's vertical involvement is really funny. i need to fix our webby web. i think it's actually very reduntant to make pages for every little thing we release so i'm gonna put those in an archive and make our little gifs link to our favorite vidz. also i still wanna add a shop. WE NEED TO DO A PERIODICAL ZINE! i wanna make zines sooooo bad. i have an idea for one just made out of stuff i scan... and of course i still have to finish cuntboy vol 1.
last night i finished marguerite van cook's the arrogance of the ruling class vol 1 no2. it's a really nice time to me.
i don't have much more to say. that's a lie. after this i'm gonna eat lunch and last night in a sleep stupor i ordered myself a shiny delicious looking xbox controller so i can do my emulaties better. i'm gonna put a picture of it next to this entry cause that's how beautiful it is. also april is sick and i'm worried of her. send her a lifelight or ideya.

a sticker of 2 cats side by side, one gray and one white. the gray one has a small white cat on its head, they're both wearing bowties and there's a banner floating above them that says secret cat

january 9th 2022


i wasn't gonna say anything but i was reading my old entries and looking at my oc website again and i'm about to go to sleep so it's good to get all the thoughts out.
i need to draw my ocs for the oc website. that's a fact. imvu has only so many options and i am scared since i barely draw anymore. i haven't drawn in publoc since that badass drawing i did of lord summerisle with tits. the thing is about my oc world is that i don't want a webcomic or what have you to be endgame, i want it to be a LOW QUALITY PUBLIC ACCESS TV SHOW!!! with real people, so drawing feels like cheating because theres no limits. i feel like it'd be hard to get casting that worlds for the show whenever it happens because of all the intricate details. i feel bad calling them ocs. moving on.
i've been plating wayyy more games ever since style savvy. actually i haven't touched style savvy since the last entry and probably never will again, but i've been playing nights into dreams for susan(who will probably never update her blog again because i commented on her page causing someone to follow her) and i'm not bad at it, considering i'm playing only on a macbook pro keyboard with a missing down key (it's so confusing because s is down but my normal arrow keys are their directions + a is a). then i downloaded tony hawk and then tried to download crazy taxi and failed. i'm gonna for real miss openemu when i get a pc it's the only good thing about having a mac. i can't believe other people have to get every single emulator for every console...
i think i'm out of stuff to say no i'm not i really wanna live a more natural less social media infused life. i want a gym membership i have wanted a gym membership since december but omicron and new years resolutions people are ruining that for me. i want an ipod with a rainbow back and clear front. i have been experiencing the evil part of testosterone except having covid while it started completely diminished the horniness for me so now i don't know what to do with all this. i'm not even attracted to women. i want to go to bed.

a pixelated girl with pink hair, brown skin, and a green baseball hat that says cute on it in orange bubble letters

january 7th 2022


nothing has happened in the past few days of me not writing entries. i played a lot of style savvy and had fun doing it, esp since my emulator has a built in handheld lcd shader). i wanna do something archival but i don't really wanna do my button thing. i only started writing this because i've been in too much pain to write these past few days and since the pain is from a cavity and not covid it'll be back tonight. oh actually its back right now. bye

a gun covered in pills

january 4th 2022


day 2 of having covid. it was more of the same as yesterday except i've stopped telling my mom i'm gonna leave. we found a test next to my bed that i'm gonna take on the 5 day mark to see if i still have it. i spent the first half of the day with susan and then my dad got me a sandwich and i played style savvy while eric watched. i have been thinking a lot about videopix by world4jack. my new years resolution is to become a numetal guy (saying this while wearing pink juicy coutoure pants and playing style savvy). i'm starting to heavily consider deleting the instagram + tumblr apps off my phone as well as blocking myself off from most modern social media. neocities is a succulent wonderland and i really don't want to lose interest in it as a platform, just in updating my site. i will admit as cool as these journal entries look it gets exhausting to have to pick a background, photo, and style the text so it shows up on the background every time i wanna make one. that's why they're getting more random and batshit, cause i'm running out of photos. i have a gun with pills on it somewhere in my pictures. this one's gonna have a gun with skulls on it and a happy face gif background, the one from sadness' collection. also i will fully unendorse that thing i put in my links about config settings because half of them make everything unusable so i took it out if you already did i'm sorry. i'm a firefox scorner... who knew. it's better than google chrome but google chrome is literally spyware like everything by google (has a google account) but nowadays if you want to protect your privacy it's impossible to savor your functionality.

a middle aged white woman with long brown hair looking out a window on a white brick background, she winks every so often

january 3rd 2022


i have covid. fuck life and fuck world.
i was gonna like, go to my aunt's this week for her birthday and have chinese food and stuff. but now i can't cause i'm gonna spend this whole week and maybe some in quarantine. my mom keeps coming into my room with a mask on and it makes me feel like an animal to be honest, she's telling me that she probably has it and gave it to me but i don't think she's buying it. my dad is heartbroken cause he has no ceramics classes this week and won't have anything to do since he can't see me. i know the cdc shortened the quarantine period but i can't do only 5 days in good faith, so it's gonna be this way until the 12th. at least i have april and susan to show me movies i don't care about that much while i toss and turn.

a black and white sketch of an elf-like humanoid in a t shirt and jeans breathing out smoke and standing at sidewalk at night

january 2nd 2022


i'm sick now for no reason god knows about. i don't like it. my mom got me some chocolate pudding from the fancy resturant we ordered from tonight. i'm thinking about the clothes spencer got me, i'm wearing the juicy couture pants he got me right now. they're very comfortable. if i didn’t know any better and forgot about all the other phases of myself i’d think that spencer was trying to feminize me through the clothes he gets me, because there's these and also that shirt he got me that says "this is what a milf looks like!" that is functionally unwearable in public cause of my... you know.
me and april and susan watched a japanese dracula movie today. correction: april and susan watched it while i looked at my ceiling in a dark room half the time and made pitiful sick guy noises. i remember it was way shorter than it felt like, also there's a part where this old guy writes a letter explaining everything that's happened in the movie and it's like "The vampire has been feeding off me for longer than I remember. I am not Japanese. I will succumb to the death from the blood loss I have endured." he just threw that he's not japanese in there as a little extra. love it
i feel like shit. i feel like if there was like, a pinup of dr doofenshmirtz but with a pussy and tits. it doesn't exist i just feel like it. i don't know how i got sick. maybe covid? but i just feel downright horrible, it's a mix of my throat (Which got 2/3rds better thanks to my mom giving me throat tea) and some horrible drowsiness + the floss mark thing. i just really wanna get it over it. also i have no clue when my school comes back... eugh. i have to like, come up with a narrative film based on a genre. and write a script. ughhhh ok it starts on the tenth like i thought. i'm afraid of fazing out of coding again, cause what happens is i get really into it for a month and 2 weeks, then i went to cuntboy (which would be good because i really need to finish it) and then keyboards (which would also be good cause i need to solder my dad's keyboard. thing is, i wouldn't be so bitter about it cause my site looks wayyyy better than it did before the december burst. who knows, maybe in april (my next predicted burst) i'll look at all of this and think it looks like shit.

a 3d model of a bald white woman wearing a white bikini, gloves and heels, a gold cape and a space helmet

january 1st 2022


today was weird as hell. i thought it would only take a few hours but it took fuckin forever to see my dad's side of the family... weird but the food was good. i want tiramisu again. also i've been trying to come up with the layout for my lists page. if anyone has any suggestions or examples please let me know because i hate it rn and haven't seen any other execution of a links page. my throat is really messed up from yelling over all my friends and music last nite... no We Did Not Party we watched marble races and listened to happy hardcore. my last and fitst song of the years was star guitar by chemical brothers. Ugh I Want my little throat to feel better... also i'm finally doing my nowhere shrine again even though i haven't seen it since my birthday. it will all fine. the thing with the side of my mouth/face is from a cut on my gum i think. i really hope i don't have to go to the dentist about this cause i can't afford it emotionally physically and financially.

a mannequin head wearing glasses that say 2000 and are covered in silver glitter

december 31st 2021


i guess it's about to be the new year. for reasons i don't understand the right side of my jaw hurts intensely. i haven't called anyone today. i watched dreams this morning and can't confidently say anything about it because it felt more like a collection of movies than a movie. it wouldn't be fair to rank it as a whole. then i went out and got pants with my dad and a bunch of dvds. i still need a dvd collection page, even though it's already on a list on my letterboxd. we usually get pizza tonight but we're not going to now cause my stepdad's craving fish and chips.
to be honest i'm not welcoming 2022 because there are too many 2s in it so it looks weird. they're not even next to each other like 1999. it just looks bad. also i wanted to join a gym but now i have to wait cause of dumb covid and people who're only gonna do wellness as like, a resolution. i just looked at my goals from 2021 and i did literally none of them except watch everything added to my watchlist from 2017-2019. now i have to print out the straycatj calender and find out what movies i added to my watchlist in 2020. i feel like i have an ear infection or something.
thinking about how this year i completely changed as a person. like, none of you know this (nobody reads these) but before i cared a lot about my clothes and was super vain and kinda like a cartoon diva- this wasn't pretransition, i was just gay as hell. and actually, i noticed that as i changed and got more masculine, part of me has started to become embarrassed about my sexuality- not wanting to say i'm gay, even though i really am. i don't know how to finish this. i could really go for some pizza right now. it's a shame we're not ordering pizza.

a pair of hands made of water under a running faucet

december 30th 2021


yesterday was so fucking bad that i have to talk about it. my boss from last summer wanted me to come back because there was something that was "urgent" and she would be "fucked if she didn't do it" and then she had me come over to show her it wasn't actually urgent. then she had me keep doing what i would usually do and having me come over some other day to work on the ""urgent"" thing. the prospect of working for her again made me feel so doomed i went home and got high instantly. then i felt ok.
now for today. the mosquitos are still a problem but i just moved my zapper off the floor into a socket on the wall so that might get rid of him. nothing happened except i called eric a little and helped him with his site, which makes me feel kinda bad. i don't wanna be the walter white of neocities. i'm not explaining that.
today i finished my howard schultz tapes shrine, and yesterday i added a gallery. this is basically what i have instead of a changelog cause i don't know where i'd put a changelog. i'm making myself a deal that tomorrow i can't work on this site until i watch akira kurosawa's dreams. i also want to make my own version of the sun smoking a blunt or something with bevels on shapes for my sitemap. oh, yeah- today i tried to make my own firefox homepage but gave up. sad!

an old style globe graphic of a long haired brown dog in a heart shaped gold and teal globe

december 28th 2021


turns out that was the last day of being home! my mom got a cold and they went home a day early. i kissed wisteria's pointy dome so hard her little head could hardly stand it.
today was eventfullll. aside from my parents coming back, i emailed the mystical movie director yesterday and today she responded asking about me and april's art! i'm very excited to respond back but right now i'm still dealing with the joy of communication. also i finished my public access and rant pages respectfully. those have both been rattling in my head for a while so now i kinda dont know what to do here? but it was fun, i made a lot of graphix for the rant one, + iframes are wayyyyyyy easier than i thought. also sol finalllllly started updating its website so check it out if you want.
i still need to watch dreams by akira kurosawa, cause i've wanted to watch it since like 2018 and i promised myself this year i'd watch every movie i've wanted to watch since 2017-2019 and i told myself (and april and susan) that i'd watch good morning dr orwell with them this nye. so the clock is ticking.

a plastic mask of an anime face with a short teal wig

december 27th 2021


day 2 of being home alone. i'm lonely. i miss my dog.
i did a lot today, i woke up at 6 but decided that was wrong cuz i went to sleep at 12 so i went back to sleep until 10. then i got breakfast/lunch with my dad. i went to a followup appointment about t, got blood taken, and then called april. we watched a dope movie called MYSTICAL MOVIE on mnn. then i made susan her birthday dvd cause her first one got broke in the mail, zapped myself on my new mosquito zapper, and started adding to my public access page. i'm really unsure about the design rn. i'm probably gonna keep this layout, but it might need to look different. i kinda want it to be plain because a lot of public access sites are but that never really worked out for me.
i'm thinking about a sentence i came up with the other day when i was high and thinking about spencer- i will stop flying until you learn how. idk what it means.
one more thing: someone dmed me saying they loved my site! i really am touched by all the compliments because this is like, not a huge skill of mine.

a pixelated message that reads is the life i'm living worth the pride god paid? it's on a teal background and the letters blink. sitting atop it are a light blue bunny, a white woman with brown hair in a teal dress holding a light blue cross, and a gray dog with blue eyes

december 26th 2021


i woke up prematurely. my head has a stone headache right now. i went to work, decided to leave early since a cleaning lady was there, and locked myself out for 20 minutes. then i went home. it turns out i dont have covid even thpugh i've been taking the subway like every day 4 times for a week. me and april are gonna make a video. my mom and stepdad are gonna be gone until wendsday so im gonna burn a lot of incense. i just added a links page that i'm supremely proud of.

a 3d earth spinning but the countries are rainbow

december 23rd 2021


this is the longest week of my life and it's not even that bad a day i just had to get it out there.
xmas is verrrry soon. i dont care though. today i went to a zine store and got a ton of stuff with my dad, including a piece of lost media relating to paper rad, gifts for my friends, and some weird cool looking cd. i went home, got high, and got to work on my about page, which you can all see bc i didn't bother to delete the previews (i love it). i'm so fucking primitive at coding i don't care. i do it all within the neocities editor. my style sheets are out of order. most of my pages still use internal style sheets... but everyone seems to love this site so it's fine.
external css has been very unkind to me lately. like it takes way longer to load and yes my cache is off and i use incognito. so if this entry looks like shit it's cause i didn't care enough to wait. i had some other thoughts i can't remember....... im probably gonna finish up the about page and watch some beck interviews. or maybe just go to bed.

a white plastic face mask with a rainbow glowing outline

december 22nd 2021


today was an aggresively eh day.
i stayed at the cat house all day and on the phone with my friends. i didn't actually have a good time. (10:11pm: not because my friends were there) i forced myself to work on my oc website (which is coming along somewhat good). i went home and finally moved my mattress on the floor and now my big broken boxspring is sitting in my hallway, taking up space. me and susan and eric and spencer (should've said spencer first since it was mostly him) watched the new matrix. i liked it more than any other matrix movie i've seen. i didn't like it that much. i could tell it was only directed by lana wachowski cause there was a white trans girl character who had cornrows. and then i finally tired myself out in the html department just now and switched to this site again. i went to my index and got rid of the fucky positioning so it should be the same on every monitor size, and after this i'm probably gonna do something with either my movie page or my about page. the night is still young for me because of my nice new bed configuration. if i'm not so tired after either of those, i might put some posters up, make some dvd sleeves, or add to my button site. or maybe just go back to my oc website. i don't like calling them my ocs because it makes me feel more online than i really am, but i don't like calling it a paracosm because i'm not that pretentious. more than anything right now, i need to just piss and take my meds.

a silver outline of a heart with intricate framing

december 21st 2021


i need to stop saying my plans here because when i say it here it doesn't happen except i didn't wanna do the premiere pro thing that much except for the money so i'm kinda glad that happened. i already went to kitty's house and i kinda feel like shit. my worn out jeans that i took from my dad ripped and i had to go home in them. i should've expected it though cause i stretched weird and the fabric in that area was thin (the fabric on the All Of It is thin though) and white.
i'm about to call april, who by the way i am almost certain will never ask me to work on her site again.

a cat with brown and white markings and big eyes slightly raising its paw

december 20th 2021


ok so that didn't happen. the thing with the staying all day? yeah i went home in between visits. today is the day i have set up premiere pro for my dad's friend. i'm scared.
i've been super into webamps lately, i believe everyone should have a webamp somewhere on their page like how most people think everyone should go to therapy (which is very wrong). put one on your site and kiss god on the lips.
straight up over-organizing my thoughts today. thinking about testosterone increasing my libido- i'm 18 i can talk about it- and how it might lead me to talk all the time like the very first journal on this page. yes about beck. nothing's happened yet to the point where i'm forgetting i'm on t. you can disregard that "gross thing" i mentioned in an older entry, i just had to pee really bad. i don't know how to escape this entry. i'm gonna make this have a photo of the cat i've been working for.

the top half of a 3d woman with tan skin and bright blue eyes, she's naked and has dollar signs on her nipples

december 19th 2021


holllllly shit. a lot of stuff you people didn't see or hear about just happened: and by that i mean i got my booster (wasan't that bad at all), started the catsitting job, and finished a present for my secret santa thing with susan's friend group. the present, by the way, couldn't have been finished without lua, who offered her time and service to me for free and ended up, like, saving everything with java wizardry.
now that that's done i'm gonna be doing some work on my oc website that i will not link because it's unfinished and naked.
today i'm hoping to spend all day at the cat's house; gonna take my laptop, keyboard, and both my phone and computer chargers to ensure my extended stay (many hours instead of 1). i need to take a shower and get breakfast. i want to so bad that i'm not gonna properly finish this entry.

an iceberg with a cd sticking out of it

december 16th 2021


i wish i updated my journal more like susan, cause i love reading her blog every day. truth is, i simply don't have it in me to code a little world every day- except for when i do, which is now. maybe i'll do more tomorrow. i'm the kind of guy who likes to sit down and tell everyone what he's gonna do that day in order. except for today because i'm not doing anything.
actually, today is my first day of winter break! it's also my only day of winter break because tomorrow i will get my booster shot and feel like shit the day after and the day after that i start catsitting and then i have to help my dad's friend set up premiere. at some point though my mom and stepdad and dog will go to my grandparents house without me and i will burn a ton of incense and listen to death grips as loud as i want.
testosterone is making me wear beanies more, making me want to compliment small children on their minecraft creations, and deliver packages to people. actually there was an interesting new development yesterday but it's kinda gross so i won't say it but this early on i'm sure you can all figure it out.
i've been awake for an hour and i realllly want some pancakes rn. that would be very kind. i'm thinking about succession because i don't seem like the kind of person who watches succession and i've never spoken about it on here but i do; i want everyone to die except alan ruck who becomes president. in succession too.
testosterone update: while i was finding pictures for this i was perfectly able to an impression of winslow from phantom of the paradise getting framed.

a spinning ball with the words just to do it written in led lights

december 11th 2021


today at ~3:20 i started testosterone. i filmed it. its only for me though cause my shirt was off. i'm gonna have a grilled cheese soon and i will love it. i've been working on april's site since the night of the 100 gecs concert (which was nothing special to me) and she loves it. i am currently listening to susan kill water monsters in bloodborne- and i finished my blue leader shrine today. not much else to report, have a ton of stuff due that i've been slacking on to do this site. i think i'll do my whispering pines shrine a little more, and then my nowhere shrine to get me in the mood to finish my teenage apocalypse trilogy paper.

a toy of the pokemon porygon

december 8th 2021


lots of big things happening to me. testosterone order got placed. 100 gecs concert, tomorrow night. don't have diabetes. mom is getting better. fixing this site. probably gonna get new domain names. cuntboy investment loading. none of which are the best ideas considering i have a movie and 2 essays + a final due soon, none of which i've been slaving away at. now i'm gonna go downstairs to get hot chocolate and misc treats with my dad. please hold-
ok i feel good about myself. actually it turns out one of my favorite pastry shops (dear mama manhattanville) might be closing so go there they got these cool fucking squares covered in coconut bits that taste like soft cloud heaven world. if you live in ny get one so you can eat it and maybe they;ll stay alive. i talked with my dad and his friend brian about this crazy backdrop software unreal engine made. it's crazy what modern hollywood does to get around paying set designers living wages. now i'm gonna work on this movie for like a year. i think i'm gonna change my site name to transgender money so stay tuned for that. i also wanna make my button just a photo of me holding my paper porygon.

a small toy house for kids, it's pink and green

december 6th 2021


today was spencer's birthday (and the last night of hannukah). we watched batman forever. jim carrey seems gay as hell in it. respect! anyway, things are, as afraid to say it as i am, looking up for me. i got almost all the money i would've lost to the dorm i didn't stay in back, i'm working on this movie that's gonna be awesome for class, i'm probably gonna start making cuntboy again, death grips is probably gonna make new music in a year gice or take. i'm just happy! the pain and anxiety i went through for the movie was worth it, because as it turns out, you need to have footage to make a movie. and it's promising- a montage, built in, to cover up me and spencer being shitty actors. and a muffled pavement song that goes strikingly well with it that i fucked up just right. also, i'm probably gonna go on t soon. ODELAY! actually i thought about it for a sec- there is something that could be very bad for me, which is i get diagnosed with diabetes since i had to do bloodwork that i haven't seen yet. considering the fact i've been freaking out about that possibility since i was 12... i don't know if it'll be so bad if i do. ok. scared. whatever. today, i wore my death grips shirt and a guy called me sir even though my tits were noticable.

a styrofoam head with eyelashes and hearts stuck on its face, with a stick of incense stuck in its mouth

november 26th 2021


thanksgiving, what a fucking mess. a holiday dedicated to letting white people join hands and stomp on the dead bodies of indigenous people they colonized. i decided i'd make this the last year i go, since i am now an adult with the ability to say no to that shit. i spent the majority of it way too stoned, hiding in my aunt's bathroom on the phone with april and susan. then i got mcdonalds for dinner by myself, came back and talked to my drunk second cousin. at first it was awesome: i told him i built a keyboard, it turned out that he likes mechs too, so we talked, and then my cousin came in, and she's like "yeah the jews (my mom's old isreali orthadox cousins) came and broke this frame," so i say half jokingly, "free palestine am i right?" and that DOES NOT go over well. basically they're zionists but i have to be nice about it cause we're related? FUCK no man, i will not stand for that shit.
anyway, i DID finish my kb. here's a video of it in action. i love it. it looks so fuckin clean. also i burnt my hair on some incense while i was typing this and now my room smells worse. wait i'm gonna pick it up and wave it around. ok idk if that's better. my incense holder is a styrofoam wig head with eyelashes and i stick the incense in its mouth like a blunt. i like it but it's probably a huge fire hazard esp cause it's like right over my tech drawer that won't close for some reason. aside from all that... tonight was whatever. i had a consultation about t this morning and now i'm confused. also, me and susan started playing chulip. thank you chulip.

a low poly 3d fairy

november 20th 2021


so you'll notice this has gotten a new coat of paint. and at some point, the rest of my site will too! i've been pretty unhappy with the 90s mtv minimalism attempts so that's gonna go, less solid hot pink and more patterns, more hurt to the eyes. also, in the last journal you saw this: . i'm gonna start dunking that in as code for "i wrote this when i was high", and even though i was... if you're reading this bek, statement still stands. i'm gonna fill these parts up with photos too, irrelevant ones, look how much space i can fill up! wow! not that much! it's fine. i've been listening to half a canyon on repeat for an hour and there's a big fat mosquito in my room. i tried to trap it in the closet. i'll see what good that'll do soon enough. i'm kinda in sensory hell rn. byebye

november 16th 2021


a spinning 3d weed leaf

i'd fuck him domt even care
a photo of beck, a white man with short hair